Most people don’t realize this, but the deepest wounds in relationships are not caused by rejection - they’re caused by the effort you put in before the rejection. The over-explaining. The pleasing. The obeying. The silent hoping. The constant trying to be “enough.” You don’t do this because you’re weak. You do it because, somewhere in your past, love was never given freely. You learned to “earn” it - by being good, by being useful, by being agreeable. And now as an adult, you repeat the same script with people who barely even notice your effort. The Bhagavad Gita has a sharp warning here: Any love that demands a performance will destroy your sense of self before it ever fulfils your heart. This article is not about detaching from people. It’s about detaching from the wound. It’s about understanding that your constant effort to win love isn’t devotion - it’s fear. And it’s a fear that can be healed.



Love That Must Be Earned Is Not Love - It’s Anxiety in Disguise

When you’re constantly trying to impress, please, or maintain someone’s interest, you’re not in love - you’re in hypervigilance. Psychology calls this
anxious attachment: your nervous system believes love is conditional, so it prepares for abandonment even before anything goes wrong. The Gita describes this as the mind trapped in attachment and fear. You cling because you fear losing. You fear losing because you don’t feel safe in yourself. So you perform.

• You overgive.


• You sacrifice needs.


• You silence discomfort.


• You become who they might like instead of who you truly are.

But here’s the truth you’ve been avoiding: If someone only stays because you’re “performing,” they are not staying for you. The Gita teaches that what comes from fear cannot create peace. A bond built on performance cannot offer stability - only exhaustion. Your wound may not be your fault. But healing it is your responsibility.



You Are Not Meant to Chase People - You’re Meant to Choose People

When you grow up proving yourself, chasing feels natural. Staying still feels risky. Receiving feels uncomfortable. Being valued feels suspicious. But the Gita teaches that your dharma - your inner compass - is to act from authenticity, not desperation. Chasing people forces you out of alignment with yourself. Choosing people brings you back into alignment.


Chasing says: “I am not enough. I must convince you.”


Choosing says: “I know who I am. I know what I deserve.”
When you chase, you give someone else the power to define your worth. When you choose, you reclaim that power. Attachment feels like hunger. Inner worth feels like clarity. And clarity is the only ground on which real relationships grow.



When Love Becomes Labour, You Lose Yourself Before You Lose Them

There is a kind of emotional labour people don’t talk about:

• adjusting your tone so they don’t withdraw


• shrinking your needs so they don’t feel pressured


• waiting for their attention like it’s a reward


• fixing problems you didn’t even create


• tolerating disrespect because “maybe they didn’t mean it”

This is not love. This is self-abandonment. The Gita warns that when you do things against your inner nature, you experience - inner suffering. Not because the world is cruel, but because your soul knows you’re betraying yourself just to avoid losing someone else. Psychology calls this
fawning - a trauma response where you please, comply, and soften yourself to avoid abandonment.

The problem? Your performance becomes the relationship’s foundation. And once you’ve built something on self-erasure, it will always demand more erasure. You can’t sustain that. You’re not supposed to. Real love does not ask you to disappear. Real love asks you to show up.



The Gita’s Hardest Truth: What Is Truly Yours Cannot Be Taken and What Is Not Yours Cannot Be Forced



This is a bitter truth, but it sets you free: When love requires begging, proving, or performing - it’s already slipping out of your hands. Not because you’re unworthy. But because the bond was never aligned with your soul. The Gita repeats a profound principle: “You have rights over your actions, never over the results.” Which means:


You can show up honestly.
You can express your feelings.
You can build a connection with integrity.
But you cannot force someone to value you. You cannot force someone to stay. You cannot force someone to love in a way they’re not built to love. Trying to manipulate outcomes, even subconsciously, leads to more suffering. Let go of the illusion of control. Hold on to the truth of your worth. Anything that is truly aligned with you will never require self-betrayal. Anything that demands the death of your self-worth was never meant to stay.



You Don’t Need to Become More - You Need to Become You

Stop rehearsing your worth. Stop auditioning for love. Stop performing the version of yourself that feels “safe” for others. The people who are meant for you will recognize you without needing the performance. The people who love you will not make you hustle for basic emotional safety. The people who see you will not let you shrink to fit into their comfort. The Gita does not ask you to detach from love. It asks you to detach from the wound that says you must earn it.


Your worth is not a negotiation.
Your presence is not a favour.
Your love is not a transaction.

When you stop performing, two things happen:

• The wrong people fall away - quietly, quickly, naturally.


• The right people walk in - effortlessly, without demand, without fear.

And that is the beginning of real love. Not a performance. A connection. A connection where you don’t have to earn anything - because you already are everything.